The Faller

February 2014

I was always a really organised person. I like routine and keeping busy. I was the kinda girl who (on top of school) was doing 4 dance lessons a week, whilst learning the flute and violin and also doing extra maths tuition.. just for the fun of it. I liked work. 

I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do with my life from the age of about 14/15. I wanted to write. I wanted to do an English degree, do a Journalism masters degree, move to London and write.

Well I got there..
and it just didn’t work. I was ill, and I wasn’t enjoying my ‘dream’ as I thought I would.

So I moved back home. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I started medication and therapy. I slowed right down. 

I lost my routine and my organisation and that life-plan I’d had in place for so long just wasn’t there anymore. This freaked me out entirely.

All through school, I put quite a bit of pressure on myself to do well – and this had never really occurred to me to be a problem – because up until now, I’d been able to live up to my own high expectations. And now, I just couldn’t do it.

I’d failed – not just myself, but my friends and family. That’s how I felt, like I’d let everyone down. Its a weird feeling to have.. and when you’ve never dropped out of anything in your life – everything feels wrong. You compare yourself to others, your friends and family.. their successes and triumphs.. and it feels.. embarrassing.

–

A little while ago, I watched the Richard Curtis film ‘About Time’. In the story, main character Tim’s sister Kit Kat goes through a few life problems and I wouldn’t try to compare myself to her – but there was one thing she said that really stuck with me. 

“Maybe. Just maybe. I’m the ‘faller’. Every family has like someone who falls, who doesn’t make the grade, who stumbles, whom life trips up. Maybe, I’ve fallen”

And that’s exactly how I’ve felt these past couple of years. Like I’ve fallen. Like I haven’t met my (or anyone else’s) expectations. I feel like everyone around me is busy, and productive and know what they’re doing. I know that can’t always be true. But its hard to shake that feeling. That you’re the weakest link.

Its a really negative way to look at it, I guess. But its a thought that I’ve definitely had in the recent past. I think though, it’s important to realise that when things don’t work out..maybe they just weren’t meant to. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed, you’ve just changed direction..

I’ll figure out my plan B.. (or C or D) eventually, I’m sure.