October 2013
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re always annoying somebody?
Recently, I’ve become one of those people. I’m paranoid. Part of this may come from the fact that I’m easily annoyed myself. People in general irritate me. The way they go about things. I have a thing about personal space. I’m sarcastic and I’m rubbish at replying to people..
But once I’m on the other end of all that, my mind starts racing. Have I pissed them off? Are they ignoring me? What did they mean by that?
Its stupid and its irrational, but ‘reading too much into things’ has become my line of thinking. I’ve gone through episodes of depression and still struggle with negative thoughts and anxiety.. and while I’m working on this, I feel like I’ve become the kind of person I would once scoff at. I never used to worry or over-analyse or really give a toss about what people thought of me. My dad was always that way inclined, and I remember even when I was younger how much that used to irritate me. How I just could not get my head around his thought processes. The way his mind would automatically jump to ‘worst case scenario’. And now I’m experiencing these thoughts myself, I still can’t get my head around it.
I was never the most confident or positive person ever. But I don’t recognise myself anymore. I always thought of myself as laid-back, a realist. I never worried too much and could brush off most things with sarcasm. I naturally put a lot of pressure on myself at school etc, and I’m a great planner.. I always knew what I wanted to be doing by this age or that. But when things didn’t exactly go to plan and all my to-do lists became defunct.. I kinda lost it a bit. Now, I have these unreasonable thoughts.. or go through highs and lows of making plans or having ambitions..and then suddenly doubting myself – thinking ‘it’ll never work.. people will think I’m stupid’. My therapist recently spoke about these thoughts as being almost like a ‘poison parrot’..that voice in your head that spouts toxic shit, that berates you and criticises everything you do – making you feel constantly paranoid.
The way your mind can trick you into seeing things that aren’t quite there, reading into things or being on a one-track to negativity is literally crazy. You can really be your own worst enemy. I’ve done the whole medication thing.. and while I’m sure they’ve helped markedly.. I feel like they only subdue you.. and mask a lot of the things you’re feeling for a little while, so you’re basically in limbo. I’m now attending regular counselling sessions.. and despite bloody hating talking about my feelings (I know that’s what I’m doing here, but typing on a screen is way easier), I think it could work. Or at least, I’m prepared to give it a good go.
I want to get back to my old self. And as cheesy as it sounds, I just want to be happy. I truly believe that looking after yourself and your interests is the most important thing you can do. Self-esteem is a big part of this and while bearing in mind what other people think is relevant.. it shouldn’t rule your life, thoughts, decisions or feelings.
I should really practice what I’m preaching here.
Part of me wishes I could just think fuck it.
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