today marks my half birthday. i am all of 28 years and 6 months old – an occasion marked by me drinking prosecco (probably). here’s some shit i’ve ‘learnt’ thus far….
1.you can say you’re gonna quit smoking as many times as you like, unless you really wanna do it (and your Dad doesn’t keep bringing you back 400 menthol on his leave) you’re really not gonna. ((thanks Dad btw.))
2. you’ve made it this far, and your hair is yet to fall out. congrats. the bleaching and the stripping can only go on for so long my dear. you may buy a weave or two in your time. but your hair is to be respected. heat protected. and blessed with a hair mask weekly.
3. moving back in with your parents at 28 (however temporarily) is not a back-step. there will be times and circumstances and just shitty situations that will occur and that’s the step you need to take. you are blessed to have this option. relish it. enjoy the (legit) clean bedsheets and laundry. the endless supply of food in the cupboards. dad’s taxi. and the comfort of knowing there’s actually someone else in the gaff.
4. you’ve been (legally) drinking for a decade now. you’d think you’d have got the hang of it and harnessed your skills. but no. you will still drink too much. you will turn to drink for celebration, comfort, commiseration et al. and you will have a hangover five times as bad as when you were 18. fabulous.
5. you’re always gonna compare yourself to others. to your peers, your friends, your family and just bloody strangers on the internet. this is human nature. but this is pointless. no matter how natural it feels. therapy taught me a lot of things – a MASSIVE one being – we’re all on our own path. as kooky as that sounds. you are you. they are them. be concerned with what you can control – your own path.
6. as above – don’t feel like you should know everything yet or have done everything yet. there is no right or wrong at this age. maybe you’re married. maybe you’re divorced. maybe you have a house. maybe you’re renting. maybe you have child. maybe you have several. maybe you have none. maybe you have a career. maybe you’re still figuring all that out. ALL OF THAT IS FINE. DON’T PANIC.
7. the best cider and black combo is Strongbow and Schweppes.
8. no one really cares if you fake tan* or not.
9. *BUT – if we’re gonna talk about it – the best gradual fake tan is Tropic. (not sponsored, but fair fucking play Tropic.)
10. if you’re unsure of a social media reference or ‘buzz word’ don’t worry. you’re of that generation JUST before technology threw up all over us. aka you’re old af. i mean, you played out and stuff. but you’ve got google, right?
11. always check your eggs before buying. my ex found me doing this hilarious for some reason.
12. cover your walls in art and polaroids and posters as much as you can. blank walls are disconcerting.
13. and while we’re on the subject of walls – blutack is always gonna leave a mark hun. as a renter i’ve conveniently forgotten this fact maaaaany times over. but those no-mark strip things you can get are truly about as useful as tits on a fish. so.. idk what to tell you.
14. not everything needs to go online.
15. the sole satisfying use for dating apps is to play drinking games. end of.
15a. tinder drinking game explained: swipe right on ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE. no ifs. no buts. every time you match with someone you drink. extra shots and forfeits for the following – superlikes, if there’s a dog in the photo, if there’s a group photo (which one is he? guess right – drink. guess wrong – drink). and down it if there’s a child in the photo with ‘not mine’ included in the bio. contact me for further details.
16. sexting is fine and fun, if you’re interested. unsolicited dick pics are not.
17. a podcast is a magical thing. the right one can wake you up, cheer you up, inspire you, chill you out, give you clarity, or send you soundly off to sleepy sleeps. MAGIC.
18. vinyl is king. even if its old and scratchy. there is just something gorgeous about the tangibility of it and don’t argue with me otherwise. p.s. this can be beautifully paired with your choice of vino. (Vino & Vinyl was my own personal club night for many years).
19. yes, you do have wrinkles. this is fine.
20. you also have bags under your eyes. also fine.
21. a face of makeup – for either day or night – can be applied in 7 minutes. no more. no less.
22. no matter how much you dream and pray – it’ll never be ‘like 2007 again’. i’m sorry.
23. friendship is never a straight line. its a scribble. you don’t have to speak everyday. you don’t have to meet every month. but if the precious time that you do spend together makes you ache with lols – that’s friendship.
24. you’re always gonna be drawn to things that are bad for you – boys, dairy, drinking a whole bottle of wine in one sitting. moderation is key. in all aspects. or dairy alternatives at least.
25. a bubble bath is the answer to (most of) your problems.
26. LET YOUR PHONE CHARGE FFS.
27. you’re not ‘almost 30’. don’t skip a year out of your life.
28. if you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious – listen to Bowie’s back catalogue. trust me.
cattface.com 