i was ‘diagnosed’ with depression and anxiety back in 2012. perhaps the result of a pretty heart-wrenching break-up. perhaps due to a stressful dissertation-filled last few months of uni. perhaps the pressure of getting a good mark to get on my chosen masters course. oh and a move down to london. hell, maybe it was the whole lot combined.
but medication was prescribed and i’ve been dosed up and reliant ever since. citalopram. sertraline. fluoxitine. propranolol. valium. i’ve had the pleasure of paying for a goodie bag of all these over the past 5 years. some worked better than others. but i remain a pill-popping patient to this day. they control. they suppress. but they don’t do enough.
i’m sure i’m not alone in self-medicating. that little something extra.. ‘just to take the edge off’. people find it in many ways, activities and substances. for me its cigarettes and alcohol. the dynamic duo. drugs aren’t really my thing. but whatever lights your candle i guess.
if i’m ever feeling anxious (98% of the time), you’ll find me cig in hand. fag ash lil my mam calls me. and its a habit, a dirty one. but it’s a crutch of mine that i lean on til breaking point. the very name of this blog stems from my need for the nicotene to function. but besides the niccy buzz, i think the act of smoking is a solution for the ever-present need to ‘do something’ that all us anxious people get. i always feel better just having a cig in my hand. and perhaps this goes hand in hand with the booze.
going out, having a drink in my hand i feel so much better. its basically a prop. without it i feel exposed. but (all too often) i find myself needing a drink before i even leave the house sometimes. going out to a bar or a gig without even the thinnest of beer jackets on strikes me with so much fear.
at one point, not too long ago, i found that having at least one drink a day was the norm. a pint here. a glass bottle of wine after work there. its a really unhealthy habit to get into, but it made me feel so much less anxious and numbed me to any shitty feelings that were cluttering my head at the time. i’ve cut it down a fair bit now, but it still find myself cuddling up to alcohol far more than i really should. its a short-term way to fill that void.
perhaps it does help. or perhaps its more a placebo kinda effect. and perhaps i like the word ‘perhaps’ far too much.
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