procrastination station ..via anxiety city

so a couple of days ago i received an email from wordpress congratulating me on my 1month anniversary of this blog. yeah. one whole month. and not a lot to show for it.. except for one and a half meandering blog posts.

i won’t lie to you, when i decided to start this blog – it felt different. different to any other i’d tried and failed with before.. but you know what was NOT different? me. i am, and sadly – forever will be – my own worst enemy.

“anxiety” is almost seen as a buzz word, a fad. a trend amongst our generation by others and each other alike. but while that may be, its also a very fucking real thing. i’m 26 years old. i live alone in a city hours from any of my family.  i have a degree, a job, i’ve travelled the world..many times alone.. yet i still struggle every single day.. simply to leave the house, to make a phone call.. to write a blog post. and this is a feeling i’ve struggled with for years.

there’s pills and CBT and self-help books for this affliction.. but the one thing i often resort to is the big p. procrastination.

while writing this very blog post i have stopped and started.. checking my texts and my instagram.. watching other people’s instagram stories when i literally could not give a shit what they’re doing.. but its an addictive habit. writing this post itself is actually putting off going to the shop..something i intended to do more than a couple of hours ago.. my head says “another brew and a cig..and THEN i’ll go” several times over. and before i know it it’s almost 9pm. in fact, i have yet to leave the house today at all.

i can’t remember a time when i would sit down to do something and just get it done.. its holding me back -in many areas of my life. socially, work-wise, creatively.. i have ideas and dreams..and then the doubt comes and the anxiety and the distraction and before i know it i’ve arrived into ‘procrastination station’..here for the longstay.

but this has to change..

so here it is.. down in digital ink.. i vow from now on to close the apps and put down my phone, stop putting the kettle on, refrain from lighting yet another cigarette.. put on my shoes and walk out the door..

in a minute.